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Bruce asked the gentleman out on a date, and after exchanging contact information, he received this message in his inbox: In an extreme example, Bruce, a 35-year-old man living in Chicago, was called a “fat pig” by another member of his gym. While Peitzman says that the majority of these incidents amounted to concern trolling-hurtful comments disguised as life advice-others lacked even the veneer of friendliness. “I can tell you that one person I tried to date helpfully offered, ‘You could be really attractive if you lost some weight.’” “I can tell you that when I lost 15 pounds due to depression, a well-meaning older gay man told me I had done the right thing,” he writes. In a BuzzFeed article from 2013, Louis Peitzman argued while the LGBT community might preach to its youth that “It Gets Better,” the message for plus-size queers isn’t so hopeful. These politics of exclusion leave many feeling left out of a community that, after coming out, they hoped would embrace them. Gay men face enormous pressure to fit into a very narrow view of beauty-often defined on hookup apps like Grindr and Scruff by the groups they leave out: “No Fats, No Femmes.” Because it’s hard to speak with accuracy about the habits and preferences of an entire community, this is a generalization, but it’s one that is often true. In the ’90s sitcom Will and Grace, there’s an old joke that men could be considered skinny by straight standards but labeled fat among their gay peers. These forms of everyday discrimination most commonly included “rejection by potential romantic partners on the basis of weight.”įor instance, were a “fat” gay man to approach someone in a bar, Foster-Gimbel and Engeln found that there was a “greater likelihood that the overweight man would be blatantly ignored, treated rudely, or mocked behind his back” than a heterosexual male of the same size. I'm Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical manwhore (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I'm very, very open about it).Have you ever been told you’re too fat for Grindr? A recent study from the Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity shows you’re not alone.Īccording to researchers Olivia Foster-Gimbel and Renee Engeln, one-third of the gay men they surveyed reported experiencing “anti-fat bias”-even among those who weren’t classified as overweight by the Body Mass Index. Over the years, I've had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I've learned a thing or two about navigating issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I'm here to answer your most pressing sex questions with thorough, actionable advice that isn't just "communicate with your partner," because you know that already. Ask me anything-literally, anything-and I will gladly Sexplain It. To submit a question for a future column, fill out this form. I met a wonderful guy who works security at Walmart. He asked for my number, and I gave it to him. I will admit, I do look damn good for my age. Over the past three months, we've become much closer, and the chemistry is definitely there. We've become intimate in some ways, but not all the way. He’s amorous and caring, and we always have a great time together.
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We text every day and see each other multiple times a week. He has introduced me to some of his coworkers, saying, “Would you believe she's 74?” I don't know if he's daring himself to be with me. Is there a way I could ask him without sounding judgmental?Īlso, I’m now wondering if he’s gay, and maybe that’s why he’s hesitating to go further? He once told me he knew someone who had made love to women all over the world, and sometimes that guy would have sex with men, too. If he was gay, I’d understand why he didn’t want to have sex with me. Without knowing your boyfriend, I can't say for certain whether or not he's gay. I know it would be a relief if he were exclusively into dudes, because you wouldn't have to contend with the possibility that he's into women, but not you.